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7 AUG 2020 · The Offender Does Not Acknowledge Your Hurt
When someone offends you, you expect that person not only to acknowledge that he or she has hurt you, but also to show you that he or she is truly sorry for having done so. In this lesson, you will come to understand that your forgiveness should not be contingent upon the apology of your offender. In letting them go, you are the one who reaps the benefits. You follow in the footsteps of your Savior, who forgave His offenders without waiting for their apology.Practical ways to carry out this practice are provided.
The Offender Does Not Acknowledge Your Hurt
There may be many reasons why you are reluctant or unwilling to forgive the one who hurt you so badly. When you understand the reasons for such reluctance, you can more readily find a solution to it. One reason for this is that diagnosis leads to finding a cure.
Apology and forgiveness
When someone offends you, you expect that individual not only to acknowledge that they have hurt you, but also to show you that they are truly sorry for having done so. You feel you deserve this, even more so considering those terrible consequences that you have had to endure. No doubt these are legitimate reasons for your reluctance to forgive. The question then is, is my forgiveness meant to be based on their apology and my conviction that they are indeed sorry? The Bible does not subscribe to either of those stipulations as a condition for letting go of an offender.
You are called to forgive them regardless of whether they apologize or not. It is acceptable and indeed scriptural to let them know how they have hurt you. Some will apologize, but others will not.
Reasons people will not apologize
They may not apologize because they are afraid you may use it against them.
Some may have had a nasty experience in the past when the one to whom they apologized embarrassed them in some fashion.
Some simply do not know how to express their remorse; they are not used to doing so.
Some will apologize by their actions, perhaps by buying you a gift or through some other means that demonstrates their remorse and serves as an apology. Meet them at their level. Accept it. And if they still will not, and all resources are exhausted, your duty is to obey God and forgive.
There are more reasons why people may not want to apologize, but you should not allow these to deter you from being forgiving. You set your emotions and your desires aside in order to obey your superior. Jesus Christ, your primary example, did not expect the Pharisees to come kneeling before Him and ask for the forgiveness of their sins. On the cross, as He was being taunted by His enemies and they were casting lots for his clotlhing, He prayed for their forgiveness.
Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots (Luke 23:34).
Remember that forgiveness is not for your offender, it is for you; you forgive because you want to please God and because you want to reap the benefits of forgiveness. As a reminder, in forgiving others, you secure your own forgiveness. Forgiving others frees you from emotional torments such as anger, hurt, resentments and so on. Another benefit is the fact that you will be able to enjoy the emotional release that forgiveness brings. Also remember that forgiveness is primarily between you and God. Your offender does not have to be involved in it, except to alleviate them of their pain and to assure them that they are forgiven. Some will not care if you forgive them or not. But you should care; you can’t give up the benefits of forgiveness because of someone else’s “I don’t care” attitude. Your are meant to obey the Lord.
The secret of the LORD [is] with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant (Psalms 25:14).
Acknowledgment and reconciliation
Another significant reason why you may not want to forgive is that you sometimes confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. While God’s forgiveness leads to automatic reconciliation, ours does not always do the same. We are not bound to be reconciled with our offenders if the relationship is too toxic, too volatile, or if they do not wish to change their ways. What is required of us is to forgive them, to no longer hold anger, animosity, or resentment against them. That is where the difference lies.
Forgiveness in essence is unilateral. Your duty is to forgive regardless of the other person’s actions. Reconciliation, however, operates under a different principle.
Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3)
For reconciliation to take place, you and your offender must come to terms and determine how to avoid the offense in the future. For example, if a friend always embarrasses you in public by his rough attitude or familiarity with you, you might say you will not go out with him anymore unless he promises you that he will not publicly embarrass you again. If he fails to make that promise to you and gives the explanation that he simply wants to be free to do as he pleases, or that you are being oversensitive, you may protect yourself by refraining from going out with him, That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end of your friendship. If you intend it to be as such, it may simply be a display of malice and retaliation. We can still continue with out friendships without putting ourselves in harm’s way.
To summarize, your forgiveness is not dependent on the apology of your offender. You forgive them, irrespective of their response. In letting them go, you are the one who reaps the benefits. You do not want your blessings to be delayed because you continue to wait for an apology that may never come. You follow in the footsteps of your Savior, who forgave His offenders without waiting for their apology. You forgive because so much depends on it.
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses (Mark 11:25).
Forgiveness Prayer
Lord, help me to forgive even when my offenders do not own up to their offense. May I always focus on you and see you as the One I am to obey. May my fear of you exceed my frustration at their lack of remorse and refusal to apologize. When my strength wanes, be my strength to release them of their offences, no matter how difficult it may be, in Jesus’ name.
Personal Reflection/Discussion
1. Has anyone ever failed to acknowledge they have hurt you? How did you deal with the situation?
2. Do you find it easier to forgive if you understand why someone hasn’t apologized? Why or why not?
3. What are a few reasons you haven’t apologized to someone you’ve hurt in the past?
4. How do you personally rely on God during times when it’s difficult to forgive?
GOD BLESS YOU
22 NOV 2019 · Forgiveness and Dealing With Your Offenders
Forgiveness helps us to sustain and maintain healthy social friendships. Forgiveness involves disconnecting from the past and welcoming the future with open arms. Forgiveness is an instrument used by God’s hands to replace a painful past with a bright future.
Broken past
When we are offended, we are hurt. Our emotions bear an open wound. Unfortunately, when we choose not to forgive, we are in essence choosing not to release the past. Perhaps a friend gossiped about us. We were hurt. We felt betrayed. Refusing to forgive has tied us to the pain of the past, and we continue to endure a broken heart. We are not happy. The future of our friendship is now bleak.
When other people offend us, the various wounds of our heart multiply. With so many painful areas in our hearts, no wonder we are so depressed without knowing our pain is due to unresolved hurt from the past. Forgiveness will give us a future free of the pain that belongs in the past.
Broken Friendships
Forgiveness is important in maintaining relationships. While our friend might have been guilty of hurting us, “closing the door” on them may lead to a lot of broken friendships.
For example, perhaps our friend did not support us when everyone was against us. At the time, we felt betrayed, but perhaps he acted under duress. Prior to the incident, he had never acted in this way, but the pain of betrayal is more than we can handle. We are not ready to entertain the idea that he might have learned a lesson or that he feels guilty about what he has done. We close our hearts to him.
Our refusal to forgive our offender has now deprived us of the many years we shared together. One offence has obliterated the many good things we did for each other, the many years of fun and joy we had. A blind rage has exaggerated his offense in our minds and clouded our mutual love. The focus is no longer on the good times; the attention has been drawn to this one event. The reality is that if we reject our friends for their shortcomings and refuse to forgive them, we will soon be left without any friends.
A man [that hath] friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend [that] sticketh closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).
Forgiveness, on the other hand, is being tolerant of the weaknesses of our friends and family. It is showing mercy to their weakness and in doing so, we benefit from a healthy social life.
Broken Future Relationships
Being unforgiving also affects future friendships with other people. Forgiveness helps us to enjoy new relationships. When we do not forgive, we are unable to open up ourselves to a new potentially healthy relationship. We keep remembering what our friend did to us and we are afraid to venture into a new friendship. We want to protect ourselves. There is this invisible wall that surrounds us. We have been maimed by the past because we have not resolved past issues with our old friend. What our friend did to us still haunts us. This makes us unable to truly trust anyone again. We assume everyone will eventually repeat what our old friend did before. Future relationships are now compromised.
Absalom lost a healthy relationship with his father David. It all began when Amnon, David’s heir to the throne, raped his half-sister, Tamar, Absalom’s full sister, with David not levying adequate justice on Amnon (2 Samuel 13). Absalom must have been deeply hurt not just because of the rape but because justice was not served. Two years later, Absalom killed his brother Amnon in revenge for the rape and fled to Geshur, the home country of his mother and the relationship with his father continued to decline.
When Absalom returned from exile and his father still did not want to see him, the feelings of anger continued, unabated. In the meantime, he started sowing seeds of anger against his father the king. He criticized the judicial system of the court, which he saw as a reflection of his father’s weakness. Soon, other people began to see the weakness in his father and they viewed Absalom as an emerging hero. Before long, he had won their hearts.
And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel (2 Samuel 15:6).
Eventually, he mounted an army against his father, a step that would later mean his own downfall and eventual death. A past of refusing to forgive deprived him of a good future.
Forgiving our friends and family will help clear our minds of suspicions and unnecessary mistrust. True, we should glean wisdom from past relationships, but closing all doors to new ones, or abusing the ones we have, is not the answer. In forgiving, we will not deprive ourselves of the wonderful friendships we had in the past, nor the new relationships God has lined up for us in the future. If Absalom had forgiven his brother, he could have been the next king. A major benefit of forgiveness is freedom from a negative past and a bright hope for tomorrow!
In summation, forgiveness is indispensable to a healthy relationship. In forgiving, we heal our minds of pain from the past so that we can embrace the future that awaits us without fear. In refusing to forgive, we lack trust and hope for old and new relationships. Forgiveness is a far superior option to unforgiveness.
Forgiveness Prayer
Lord, help me to continue to enjoy the friendships of people. May my intolerance and unforgiving heart not deprive me of having them in my life. As you have been patient with me, grant me the same ability to be patient with others. I receive your grace and wisdom to deal with the various relationships in my life, in Jesus’ name.
Discussion
1. Describe a time when refusing to forgive had an effect on your friendships.
2. How do you relate to the story of Absalom?
3. How has forgiveness helped you look toward the future more?
4. What is the most important lesson you’ve taken away from this chapter?
22 NOV 2019 · Afiemi
Afiemi portrays a powerful sense of letting go or an act of sending away. This is the word our Lord Jesus sometimes used to portray the idea of forgiveness.
God’s forgiveness of our sins
When God forgives us, He no longer holds our sins against us; He releases us, and we are free to walk away. He no longer holds us in a prison of His anger. This is the word Jesus used to describe the forgiveness of the unforgiving servant.
Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt (Matthew 18:27).
Our own forgiveness of others
Jesus now turns to us with this view in mind, and tells us to release our offender. The word forgive here is translated from afiemi.
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses (Mark 11:25)
When we forgive, we release our offender. When they hurt us, we tend to hold the offense against them; we put them in a kind of prison created by our anger, blame, and resentment. However, when we forgive them, we are in essence saying, “I release you, I am letting you go.” We drop all charges against them, as it were. Although they have gossiped about us, we still release them and let them go.
21 NOV 2019 · When we are offended, we say we are hurt. However, the only viable way of getting rid of the hurt, as unlikely or illogical as it may seem, is to release the offender of the offense. In this lesson, you will learn that emotional healing and forgiveness are bound together. Forgiveness is God’s tool for healing those who have been wounded. The student will not only learn the correlation but also the dynamics of releasing pain when forgiveness is offered. Forgive to be healed of the pain.
Being unforgiving brings emotional pain
After being offended, we often do not want to forgive; for us, it is of the utmost importance to hold on to the emotional pain. Saul, the first king of Israel, was a casualty of an unforgiving heart. He could not forgive David, whom he perceived as a rival to his throne. He was so absorbed with this thought that he became an emotional wreck. He threw himself a pity party because he was “beat up.” After making so many futile attempts to kill David, he told his servants,\
That all of you have conspired against me, and [there is] none that sheweth me that my son hath made a league with the son of Jesse, and [there is] none of you that is sorry for me
(1 Samuel 22:8).
These words depict someone entrenched in a great deal of inner pain and turmoil. The king of one of the most powerful nations of his day was begging his officials to identify with his pain. The inner turmoil was more that he could bear. Being unforgiving will have its toll on its victim, no matter who they are.
Many of us are carrying so much hurt in our hearts; we harbor pain that has grown in size and in depth over the years. We wear the open wound of a friend’s betrayal, of a mother who was not there for us, of a boss who passed us over for a promotion, of a sibling who is always on our case. So many open wounds that have been cemented under the rubble of other events. Sometimes, we forget the offense, but the wound that has not bounded up and healed still gnaws at our hearts.
Sometimes, we get used to it. At other times, we learn to manage it. Sometimes, we do not even know they are there or how they got there in the first place. Our life is no longer as optimal as the Creator originally designed it to be. No amount of success can eradicate the unabated inner turmoil that threatens us daily.
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken (Proverbs 15:13).
Forgiveness heals our pain
The way we can get rid of the hurt, as unlikely or illogical as it may seem, is to release the offender from the offense. Healing in this way is possible because it is the offense that makes us feel pain, and once it is released, the pain automatically leaves with it. To put it another way: when we are offended, our emotions are struck with a blow; yet when we forgive the offender, our emotions are healed. The hurt no longer has a hold on our emotions. The hold has been broken! Forgiveness is like a balm that travels to the deepest part of our heart to soothe the inner pain, and forgiveness becomes its own reward.
A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones (Proverbs 17:22).
When we choose to obey God, we enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, one of which is joy. Sometimes we ask, “How can I forgive my friend who hurt me so much?” or “How can I forgive my husband after all he did to me?” We must remember that forgiveness brings healing. Forgive in order to heal the pain.
In conclusion, emotional healing and forgiveness are intertwined. Forgiveness is God’s tool in healing those who have been wounded. Arise from among the slain, and live and breathe again through the power of forgiveness.
Forgiveness Prayer
Lord, I forgive those who have hurt me. Lord, help me to release them. In this way, I not only follow your commandment, but also receive my healing. Help me to see the various patches of pain that I have carried for so long and grant me the grace to forgive and be free in Jesus’ name. Thank you Lord.
Discussion
1.Discuss a few moments when you held on to emotional pain. How did you let go?
2.What did you take away from the story about Saul and David?
3.Have you ever held on to a grudge for a long period of time? What were the consequences?
4.What is the most important lesson you’ve learned in this chapter?
16 NOV 2019 · Stop Being a Victim! Become a Victor! How? Through Forgiveness!
Forgiveness Removes the Victim Mentality
What is victim mentality?
Someone with victim mentality is one who tends to blame others for the bad things that happen to them. This person thinks, feels, speaks, and acts as if he or she is permanently damaged by the negative actions of others — even if it is not true. Their whole life is dominated by this mindset.
The negative consequences of victim mentality
Someone with a victim mentality constantly tells stories of their grievances. When we are hurt, we want the whole world to know what our offender did to us. We talk about how our friend took our job and almost made us lose our home. We talk about how our other friend betrayed us, how our brother is not helping us, or even how our sister stole the man we were supposed to marry.
Repeating an offense to paint a bad image of our offender is what psychologists call a “grievance story.” The sad thing is that while we may feel empowered when we are attacking someone else’s image, we really are not getting anywhere with it. It does not make us feel better. Unfortunately, it does not end there; there are several repercussions. Let’s take a look at some of them.
•When we are offended and we keep telling others about it, we present ourselves as a helpless and weak victim.
•Our offender, whom we despise, is on the other hand presented as strong and powerful.
•In repeatedly declaring our weaknesses, we are establishing the fact in our hearts that we are indeed weak. That was not our intention nor is it our desire.
•Every time we retell our story, we may experience the pain at a deeper level because our emotions are beginning to match the words that come out of our mouths.
•As we continue to blame our offender for placing us in the position we are currently in, we feel helpless, and thus we start to think helplessly.
•Following through on those thoughts and feelings, we act accordingly. We feel there is nothing we can do about our situation since it is someone else’s fault and therefore there is nothing we can do about it. In our mind, unless our offender does something to change the situation, we cannot move on from where we are. It feels like our fate is in their hands.
•As we continue to retell our grievance story, another factor appears. We begin to exaggerate the offense in our minds, to drown in the ever-increasing pain inside us. As the pain grows, so does our negative view of the person who offended us. At this point, our reality becomes distorted.
•Having painted our offender with a deeper dye than was originally necessary, we now find it difficult to forgive. Their offense has grown even larger because of the emotions we have attached to it. Their offense now seems unforgivable. We think it is a humongous task to forgive such a grievous offense. We have made a mountain out of a molehill.
•We feel drained, powerless and helpless every time we are done retelling our tale.
The list goes on. A life of complaining and finding fault with everything and everyone is strongly discouraged in Scriptures.
Do all things without murmurings and disputings
(Philippians 2:14).
Forgiveness will turn us into conquerors
In an imperfect world, there will be many occasions where we will be rejected. We are not the only people who will end up being hurt. Forgiveness will allow us to overcome this idea that everyone is against us. Or that everyone hates us. Or that we are being targeted. Or the creation of our own reasons as to why people behave negatively towards us. Forgiveness is a release from victim mentality because we are releasing our offender of their culpability.
When we forgive, we let go of their offense or their wrongdoing; and in doing so we reject the thing that made us a victim. The forgiveness we lavish on our offender is the best antidote to overcome victim mentality.
When I lost my husband and three children to a drunk driver, I knew instinctively that I could not allow myself to become the victim in this situation. I am not and never was a victim. The action of the drunk driver has indeed altered my life, but I refused to conceive the idea that my life was in his hands. I could not give him such power. If I had, my drive and zest for life would have diminished. I would have been in despair. In forgiving him, I could go on with my life and rebuild it from there. This mindset preserved me from looking at life as hopeless.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us (Romans 8:37).
Forgiveness has many benefits for someone with a victim mentality.
•Forgiveness will change our grievance story to a testimony. Instead of a sad story, we now have the story of a conqueror, a survivor.
•Forgiveness puts us in the driver’s seat. We take control of our destiny. Forgiveness deviates our focus from their offense and places it on how to make our lives better.
•Forgiveness frees us from negative emotions. We no longer grieve over their offense because we have forgiven them. Our emotions have bounced back.
In conclusion, forgiveness is the joyful tale of someone who was once a victim of injustice and has now reclaimed his freedom. Forgiveness changes our grievance story to a testimony of how God brought us through a difficult time. Reclaim your life today, and go from being the victim to being a victor.
Forgiveness Prayer
Lord, I thank you today because I have become a survivor and a victor. You helped me realize that I must forgive those who have caused me so much pain. I release them today. My life is in your hands and yours only. I forgive them and release them in Jesus’ name.
Discussion
1. Have you ever acted the victim? What were the results?
2. Have you ever become frustrated with someone else for playing the victim? Describe what happened.
3. How does forgiveness let you be in control in your life?
4. What is the most important lesson you’ve learned in this episode?
16 NOV 2019 · Forgiveness Definition AFIEMI
Just what is forgiveness? In this episode, we will look into one of the definitions of forgiveness, the word Jesus Christ our Lord used to mean forgiveness. To know the meaning of forgiveness helps to forgive. A wrong view of forgiveness may discourage us from it. This definition of Biblical forgiveness will remove some of the misconceptions we may have on forgiveness and which may actually hinder us from forgiving our offenders. Forgive and be free. Let go and be free. Letting go is the path to freedom from the wound created by the offense. Enjoy!
Afiemi
Afiemi portrays a powerful sense of letting go or an act of sending away. This is the word our Lord Jesus sometimes used to portray the idea of forgiveness.
God’s forgiveness of our sins
When God forgives us, He no longer holds our sins against us; He releases us, and we are free to walk away. He no longer holds us in a prison of His anger. This is the word Jesus used to describe the forgiveness of the unforgiving servant.
Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt (Matthew 18:27).
Jesus now turns to us with this view in mind, and tells us to release our offender. The word forgive here is translated from afiemi.
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses (Mark 11:25)
When we forgive, we release our offender. When they hurt us, we tend to hold the offense against them; we put them in a kind of prison created by our anger, blame, and resentment. However, when we forgive them, we are in essence saying, “I release you, I am letting you go.” We drop all charges against them, as it were. Although they have gossiped about us, we still release them and let them go.
Forgiveness, however does not mean we condone their action or pass it as if it is not important. It does not mean God has let them off the hook. It does not mean righting the wrong. It means freeing ourselves from being tied to them and leaving their judgment in God’s hands. It does not throw away wisdom we have learned. It does not even mean we cannot pursue our right. As you listen to this episode, you will learn more about the power of forgiveness through letting go. Embrace your freedom.
It is the tool God has given us to deal with the imperfects of the human weakness and relationships.
14 NOV 2019 · When we are offended we are angry at the one who hurt us because we think they are to blame. In this lesson, you will not only learn that forgiveness brings relief to anger, you will also learn how to achieve this sense of relief. Forgiveness and anger are opposing stances. An advantage of forgiveness is becoming free of the suffocating anger that is seething in our hearts. Anger is not good for your emotions. Try forgiveness. It is your your way out
Pain
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| Author | Tai Ikomi |
| Organization | Tai Ikomi |
| Categories | Religion & Spirituality |
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