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The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you...
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The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you are sure to enjoy. Great for the illiterate and/or lazy fans! Tell your friends. Visit online at weeklyhumorist.com
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Transcribed
1 NOV 2024 · 1. Put a tiny rainbow flag in your pencil cup
2. Wear rainbow tie dye
3. Add an ally background on Zoom
4. Add pronouns to everything
5. Buy pronoun pins for your friends
6. Wear a "Vote With Pride" sticker
7. Reshare "love is love" graphic on Instagram
8. Reshare Lin Manuel Miranda's "love is love" speech
9. Buy a "love is love" shirt
10. Order a rainbow cake for delivery
11. Read up on current queer political issues
12. Donate to trans rights organizations
13. Share what you've learned with your loved ones (homophobic family)
14. Volunteer to phone bank for politicians who support all the gays
15. Text your one gay friend
Transcribed
1 NOV 2024 · As of Tuesday morning, Central Park had gone 29 days without measurable rain, the second-longest dry streak in records that date back to 1869 […} If no rain falls before midnight on Halloween, October would be the driest calendar month in the city's history. - The New York Times, 10/29/2024
It's been a minute since any condensation has been spotted in my vast meadows, but it's not a big deal - I've just got a lot going on right now.
It's not that I want to be in a dry spell, per say, I'm just so busy with other things I don't really have time to focus on watering my flowers. This isn't a permanent thing, by the way. Rain will fall once again, but for now I'm not trying to rush anything. As my friends Prospect and Washington Square always say, it'll happen when you least expect it.
I'm just really focused on work right now. After all, I'm the only person left in the mayor's office, and someone has to be in charge of the city while this current doofus is off in Turkey or going to the club or however he spends his hours not serving the people of New York. There's no time to be worried about such trivial pursuits as my next rainfall.
I haven't really felt in the mood these days. It's embarrassing, but to be perfectly honest, with the election coming up and everything, I've been so stressed out it's affecting my….performance. I haven't been able to muster up significant cloud coverage, never mind generate any actual precipitation. It's been so long I'm pretty sure the next time I encounter a shift in wind speed, what should be a little drizzle is instead going to result in a brief but intense downpour.
It's not you, it's me and too much built up atmospheric pressure.
Who has the time or energy to go out to a bar and strike up conversation with a beautiful nimbostratus? Even flirty eye contact seems daunting to me right now. I think I'm just going to take a break and focus on myself. Yes we're already 29 days into this break, but now it's going to be purposeful, a mindful decision as opposed to an accidental passing of days.
Intentionally continuing the dry streak will allow me to focus on my special interests, like growing beautiful foliage and providing a trap for tourists to step in horse poop, thereby punishing them for treating my precious grounds as their temporary plaything and hopefully scaring them away from the city forever.
Some would say my long-term growth as a park and overall well-being is being stunted and possibly even hurt by the lack of precipitation. I would say, it's all about the mindset. Maybe I'm just waiting for the perfect storm. Maybe I don't have the right conditions to start something right now, and a simple sun shower would turn dark and stormy because it met me at the wrong time. Maybe I'm just not fully recovered from the last storm - Ida, Debby, Elsa.
Hell, for all we know I might still be getting over Sandy. The point is, I've just got a lot going on at home right now, and this drought's nothing to worry about. I'm fine, really.
I know Hamptons is starting to slow down too after a busy summer, so at least I'm not in it alone. Adirondacks is busy for a few weeks - it's cuffing season and they're relentless about trying to set everyone up. It's like enough! I'm good, I swear! If you meet anyone you think I might like, though, feel free to give them my number.
Transcribed
30 OCT 2024 · Phillie Phanatic - You're a big fan of role play.
Baxter of the Arizona Diamondbacks - You're into furries and/or are Andrew McCutchen.
Swinging Friar of the San Diego Padres - You keep track of your score when you watch Jeopardy! You have never won.
Mariner Moose - Your spouse is into role play and asks you to wear the moose head with the Phanatic body.
Dinger of the Colorado Rockies - You hit your one and only home run in second-year T-ball.
Billy the Marlin - You are a serial killer.
Lou Seal of the San Francisco Giants - You buy all your clothes from Anthropologie on ThredUp.
Rosie Red - Your fantasy team was toast the third week of April.
Mr. Redlegs - You are really into taxidermy.
Pirate Parrot - You pick your fantasy team based on players' real-life salaries. The lower, the better.
Mr. Met - You have never given up your seat on public transportation. That old lady is fine.
Mrs. Met - You refuse to sit next to your spouse on public transportation.
T.C. Bear of the Minnesota Twins - You brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack, once a week
Bernie of the Milwaukee Brewers - Your favorite poet is Jim Morrison
Sluggerrr of the Kansas City Royals - You're the guy whose motivational HR posts show up on everyone's LinkedIn feeds.
Orbit of the Houston Astros - You pile your bags of garbage on the sidewalk for weekly pickup. Sometimes you don't even use bags.
PAWS of the Detroit Tigers - You, a grown-ass adult, ride your bike on the sidewalk.
Slider of the Cleveland Guardians - You're definitely a nepo baby.
Southpaw of the Chicago White Sox - You eat chicken fingers with ketchup.
Clark the Cub - You haven't eaten breakfast since June 16, 1997.
Wally of the Boston Red Sox - You're known for your dad jokes and mediocre grilling skillz.
Oriole Bird - You have made your backyard into a haven for migratory birds.
Blooper of the Atlanta Braves - Also a nepo baby.
Stomper of the Oakland Athletics - You have been on thirteen nationally televised game shows since 1973. You have won a combined total of $734.23 and a lifetime supply of Garlique.
Fredbird of the St. Louis Cardinals - Your all-time favorite band is Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Raymond of the Tampa Bay Rays - You have been arrested one time in your life. It was for indecent exposure when, completely sober, you streaked through a cornhole tournament at 2:36 p.m. on a Sunday in July.
Rangers Captain - You eat carrots without peeling them first.
Ace of the Toronto Blue Jays - You eat s'mores with chocolate, marshmallow, and a toasted English muffin.
Screech of the Washington Nationals - You refuse to drive in the right-hand lane.
Dandy of the New York Yankees - You should just admit to having hair plugs (not that there's anything wrong with that).
Transcribed
30 OCT 2024 · Dear Subscribers,
You may have noticed this newsletter missing from your inboxes over the past several weeks. As most of you know by now, I'm in the middle of an ongoing legal battle. I can assure you that after this week, my fight against the suppressors of free speech will continue on a more regular basis. If you want to put an end to this oppression, subscribe now for a reduced rate of $6 a month to continue reading.
My lawyer instructed me not to speak about the issue publicly, but as Jesus and Oprah have both said, the truth will set you free.
After forty-four years of speaking my mind, the woke mob has finally come for me. Now that my YouTube channel has been demonetized, I've been completely muzzled, left only with my few million podcast subscribers, two New York Times bestsellers, and this Substack newsletter. My crime? Saying what the mainstream media doesn't want you to hear.
If this news is at all unsettling to you, imagine my surprise when I saw #RestInPeaceRandy trending, and the barrage of online posts accusing me of the most SERIOUS of offenses: misleading my beloved audience of independent thinkers. Something I have never done, and in fact, am medically incapable of doing (those who know me best know that I am a diagnosed pathological truther).
If you subscribe to my Patreon now for only fifteen dollars a month, you'll gain access to a long record of doctor's notes confirming this essential detail. If they can pin this on me, reader, imagine how easily they'll come for you.
By now, you have probably seen the power-hungry Cabal News Network and their diversity hire sisters at Microsofty NBC spin this unfortunate situation.
But I ask you this: why would the mainstream media care about what a small, independent source like myself has to say if it didn't directly threaten them? If my alternative solutions shop (which you can find linked at the top of this newsletter) were hurting anyone but Big Pharma, you would still be able to find my collection of herbal male birth control tablets on said website! And all of this coverage for a few posts on X and a minor (civil, I might add) lawsuit? If you can't freely express
yourself on a privately owned, corporate platform without your entire career being taken from you, where can you do it?
As I write to you now, their intimidation tactics have worked; I have been silenced. Worse, I can promise you the woke mob will not stop at "straight white men" who sell male enhancement gummies "not approved by the FDA." Clean out your basements and garages now, readers, it won't be long before the FBI is handing you a search warrant on your doorstep. One of the worst things that can be done to a person.
For all of our sakes - but mostly mine - this reign of woke terror must end.
What is woke exactly? I've received many questions from you all in the past about this. Questions like "What's happened to this country," "Can I still listen to Louis CK on my way to work," and "How can I give you more of my money?" To answer your last question, truthers, I say join the Freedom Blogcus today for only $129.99 annually. "Woke" is a mindset, a worldview, and a parasite feeding on the hard-earned careers of men and women like myself.
Did you know you have to scroll to the bottom of the trending page on YouTube just to find my podcast now?
Not many people know this but woke stands for:
Working
On
Killing
Everything (fun)
Do you like to have fun? Not anymore you don't! Joy is a cancellable offense, and the fascist fun police are just waiting for you to let your guard down. To show you just how much you'll be missing out on in the years to come, I've compiled a list of all the current offenses you'll be exiled for this year:
1. Let's face it, folks, jokes are over. You can't say anything anymore without the radical thought police coming down on you. Freedom of speech is under attack in our theaters, our clubs, and even our living rooms. If we can't laugh as a country without the Huffington Post wei...
Transcribed
28 OCT 2024 · Dear Mr. Hinchcliffe,
I regret to inform you that the luxury suite we booked for you at the Four Seasons in San Juan has been barred by Puerto Rico's Department of Health and Department of Natural and Environmental Resources due to a substantial pile of solid waste that was mysteriously placed outside of the room late last night. The waste is largely composed of Trump/Vance campaign fliers mixed with mounds of feces and Medalla beer bottles containing urine inside of them.
In addition, a hand-written note was taped to the door stating; "Your jokes reek of shit."
Puerto Rico's sanitation commissioner also phoned me to personally inform you that it may be weeks before they're able to tend to the matter as they're "currently busy cleaning up the rest of our floating island of garbage."
Unfortunately, I've been unable to book you at another hotel in San Juan or all of Puerto Rico for that matter. Not even a Motel 6. Although you do have an offer from a Waste Management union in Puerto Rico who said they'd be "happy to offer you a smelly mattress in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean" with an offer to take you there by boat.
Please let me know if you're interested in the union's odorous proposal.
Thank you,
Your team at Stupid Gringo Travel Agency
Transcribed
25 OCT 2024 · Ah, the passage of time. With the first day of autumn already in the can, many are eager to embrace the seasonal trappings of fall. Momentarily, we'll be up to our eyeballs in foliage, pumpkin-themed beverages, and, last but not least, offensive Halloween costumes.
Unethical costumes have existed for years. As such, the hallmarks are easy to identify: Blackface, brownface, cultural appropriation fits, Nazi attire, terrorist attire, etc. You get the picture. And yet, so many people do not. What I find most troubling about these costumes - aside from their blatant tastelessness - is their laziness. It's believed Halloween originated over two thousand years ago. Two millenniums seems like plenty of time for tasteless costume innovation.
And yet, I keep seeing the same old offensive fits. Have we lost our ability to think outside the box? Those Native American headdresses won't cut it this year, undergrads! I dare you to appall me with your inventiveness!
Now, when it comes to the creative ingenuity of insensitive morons, I must admit I'm a bit of a pessimist. That's because insensitive morons are the least imaginative beings on the planet. They derive ideas from the lowest-hanging comedy trees imaginable. As a result, everything feels obvious and stale. We can't count on these people to create uniquely tasteless Halloween costumes for 2024. But that's okay. I'll just step the fuck up and do it myself.
I've devised a list of several tasteless fits that breathe new life into the unethical costume marketplace. We'll use the Tasteless Scale to determine the severity of each costume, ranging from "Slap on the Wrist" to "Canceled Indefinitely." Whether you're a punk-ass college student looking to offend your roommates or an undervalued employee looking to rustle feathers at an office party, I've got the tasteless Halloween costume to fit your needs. Without further ado, let's get started.
Christopher Columbus Observing the Horizon while Standing Atop a Pile of Native American Corpses
Costume Type: Group Ensemble
Tasteless Scale: Provocative Art Piece - Canceled Indefinitely
Starting the list with a proper bang is a group ensemble that's equal parts offensive and provocative. Just in time for Thanksgiving discourse, this unsubtle portrayal of genocide is sure to piss a ton of people off. Those with beating hearts will likely find the giant pile of slain Native Americans distasteful. Meanwhile, Columbus apologists will take offense to the unsavory portrayal of the Italian explorer.
Despite its controversial DNA, a part of me wonders whether this group costume could operate as social commentary. If so, it could be seen as a provocative art piece with a message, thus lessening the severity of its placement on the Tasteless Scale. Authenticity is crucial if one wishes to take the social commentary route. If you'd rather chase indefinite cancelation, you'll need a posse of degenerate white scumbags and several cans of brown face paint.
Once you've assembled your dream team, crack open the cans of brown face paint and do what comes naturally.
Zombified Robert Budd Dwyer Hawking Unofficial Copies of his Unpublished Memoir Blaze of Glory: Why Corrupt Politicians Should Off Themselves on Live Television for $28.99
Costume Type: Solo
Tasteless Scale: A Stern Conversation - A Few Scowls
The cool kids know all about Robert Budd Dwyer, right? If you're unfamiliar, ol' Budd Dwyer was a Republican politician who held various offices in Pennsylvania from the mid-sixties to the late eighties. Outside his tenure in American politics, he's most known for blowing his brains out on live television in 1987. At the time, Budd faced eleven convictions, including mail fraud, perjury, conspiracy to commit bribery, and racketeering.
Rather than resign and accept a potential sentence of fifty-five years plus a $300,000 fine, Budd decided to eat a bullet instead.
The idea of a zombified Robert Budd Dwyer rising from the dead to promote an unpublished memoir is t...
Transcribed
25 OCT 2024 · He's a big fan of Trump. They wear just about the same amount of makeup, and Art loves doing to a human body with a chainsaw what Trump has done to America with his arrogant stupidity.
The rumors are true, some audience members are having to leave the theatre due to nausea and vomiting; not from the graphic violence, but rather the artificial butter that soaks the popcorn.
While no one seems to be aware of his exact origin, Art The Clown was spotted as a recurring cast member on the second season of Jersey Shore.
Art isn't a clown in the traditional sense, as while he has viciously murdered hundreds of people, he has never sexually molested anyone.
Art shows up to murder aimlessly for only several days typically, spending the remainder of his time selling handmade cheese graters on Etsy.
Art The Clown is admittedly an evil , bloodthirsty deviant of the worst kind, but is still less creepy than most of the guys on Tinder.
Transcribed
24 OCT 2024 · To ensure the neighborhood kids have a Halloween to remember, Flesh 'N' Bones is proud to be the nation's top purveyor of premium decaying bodies. We're confident you'll be pleased with the scare potential of our lifeless forms - whether you simply slump it against the front door with a bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or you go for a more elaborate setup, like an authentic murder mystery for your 6-year-old and her entire class.
Product description:
Your spooky decorations won't be complete without a 100% genuine rotting corpse. Our bodies are ethically sourced from a vast network of partner morgues, and we boast the largest and most varied inventory in the country. This means you can select a body to meet almost any specification, including so mangled that little Mia from across the street won't be sure if it was ever human at all!
Age range:
On any other day, our products would terrify even the most depraved demon, but on Halloween, we recommend the bodies are suitable for ages 0 and up.
Included items:
1 Coroner-certified dead body.
1 framed death certificate.
1 body bag (choose from three designs: traditional black, a cutesy Beelzebub, or The Very Hungry Caterpillar).
Product uses:
Our bodies can decorate your house however you think most eerie - drooped, doubled-over, or even donned. For whatever way you choose, the best shocks, screams, and fainting occur in a flood-lit area.
In line with our value of sustainably frightening the next generation, the skeleton can be used and re-used every year.
Product material:
100% organic, eco-friendly, biodegradable human.
Product dimensions:
Each of our bodies is bespoke - with variations expected across characteristics such as shape, size, and former political affiliation.
Depending on the cause of death, the body may be missing one or multiple parts.
At checkout, you can select add-ons from a full range of additional appendages to be sewn on.
The body currently in your cart was Dave. He was 5'10" but was known to claim he was "right on 6'."
Directions for opening:
Don a hazmat suit (not supplied).
Handle with care: drag the body bag to the bathroom or laundry, pull the plug, and drain the preservation vinegar.
For maximum fun and scare, open at least two days before intended use to ensure time for the body to reach peak rot.
Storage:
If you purchase in advance, the body can be comfortably stored in your kitchen fridge for up to one week, or indefinitely next to the chicken nuggets in your freezer.
(Note: the fridge and freezer are perfect locations to display your body if you're hosting a Halloween party. It's never long before a kid goes in search of food.)
Returns:
Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted.
Washing instructions:
Do not wash - washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.
Safety information:
Rest assured, all neighborhood kids will be safe playing with our blood-stained, maggot-filled, disease-ridden decomposing cadaver, as all bodies are BPA-free.
Contains small parts that are prone to dropping off at any moment, such as heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.
Dispose of the body bag immediately after opening as it may become a choking hazard for small children.
Must be used only on Halloween - either before or after may cause crippling emotional damage.
Customer reviews:
"Worked a (trick or) treat for scaring and scarring my kids and their friends!"
"Doug and Barbara from next door spent all year growing their haunted hedge maze but only our putrefying carcass kept the local counselor employed!"
"After seeing a two-headed body draped over our dividing fence, little Jimmy didn't come out of his house until Christmas!"
"My child has never been the same."
Transcribed
22 OCT 2024 · It's been three minutes since I hit the "Customer Service" button on the men's body wash case, yet I'm still waiting for an employee to come unlock it. Should I hit the button again? I'm going to hit the button again.
I apologize to all the shoppers who were enjoying Chris Martin's masterpiece 'Viva La Vida' until a robotic voice ruined the flow with, "Customer service needed in the skin care department." But I need this body wash - and, honestly, fungal cream, as well. Once they unlock the body wash, I'm also going to ask them to unlock that case for me. I'd rather not hit that button and alert the entire store to my toe thing.
Another two minutes have passed. Robin Thicke is playing. I don't know the name of the song. I'm considering wandering until I find an employee, but with my luck, they're already on their way and we'd pass each other like ships in the night. It's settled: I'm going to remain here until I get my body wash or really need to pee, whichever comes first. And I only kind of need to pee.
Is there anything else in the vicinity I can grab while I wait? I forgot to do a quick inventory of my toiletries before I left the house. Am I low on toothpaste? Huh, that's odd, the toothpaste isn't locked up. I wonder how CVS decides which products get locked up and which ones don't?
An article I read - well, a TikTok I saw - claimed they lock stuff because otherwise, homeless people steal it. To be clear, I'm not blaming the homeless. I don't hate them or think they're gross. I'm a good person. Ignore the fact that I walked right past someone outside begging for help, I'm in such a rush! (Which is why it's particularly frustrating that I've now been waiting six minutes.) I'm sure the staff here is overworked and underpaid, too, so I'll check my privilege.
Here I am, annoyed by having to wait a few extra minutes, while they have to
Forget all that, someone just hit the button in the family planning aisle, and an employee immediately appeared to help them unlock the condoms! This CVS location must have a vendetta against me. I never should've asked the pharmacist to ring up that Vitamin Water Zero when I was getting my prescriptions last month. I know that's not their job and still, I did it.
Or maybe certain sections in the store get immediate responses? The customer may need condoms this instant. Meanwhile, they assume that I can wait a little longer for body wash - especially because they don't know I need fungal cream as well. Don't get me wrong, the fungus isn't, like, super urgent. Though it could start to ooze.
Okay, I officially really need to pee, and it would be rude to hit the button a third time. I'm going home. I'll order the body wash (and fungal cream) on Amazon. It's not like I'll feel bad about hurting a local mom and pop shop, CVS is a billionaire-dollar corporation. Amazon probably owns them, anyway. But I'll always feel bad about interrupting 'Viva La Vida.'
The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you...
show more
The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you are sure to enjoy. Great for the illiterate and/or lazy fans! Tell your friends. Visit online at weeklyhumorist.com
show less
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| Author | Weekly Humorist |
| Organization | Weekly Humorist |
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